Ranting on the Lists of 1999

As the final minute, hour, day and month of 1999 comes to an end, we also close out a decade, a century and a millennium. As is customary, the expressions we use in everyday life are relagated to that specific place in time in which they were used. Following are some of the "in" fads as well as former fads, that have been pitched in the "out" bin.

Computers, "dot com," have been the big thing this past decade. "Windows" revolutionized life all over the planet. We were able to surf and shop the internet. We incorporated GPS, Global Positioning Satellites, into our daily lives. Not only the hand-held kind on land, but in the air and on the seas, as well as in our vehicles, enabling us to know "exactly" where we stand. The technology to research, scan, print, fax, dot com, has driven our economy nuts! The thing we fear most is a "computer glitch" . . . dot com, dot com, dot com.

Telephones have been greatly modified by computers. Cell phones, satellite, cordless - followed by so many phone company's spiels we can hardly keep track of the 5-cent days and nights and the 10-10-321s.

We are charged a parking fee by electronic attendants, and our vehicles are controlled by computers none of us understand. Some of us still like to make their own decisions about using air bags, seat belts, gears, and starting or locking by remote control. Instead of using GPS we also like to read our own maps, drive at night without a heat-seeking night vision sonar device, travel without radar and park without a theft alarm or a key buzzer.

New medicine has brought help for millions of diabetics with the introduction of Insulin Pens, Resulin and Glucophage. There are many new medicines that treat AIDS, cancer, asthma, as well as an upsurge in natural herbs and substances like echinacea and shark cartilage. We are inundated with the usual fat pills, sex pills, bald pills, and youth pills that change every few years into another form which also do not work. "Hot" this year are Kytosan, a fat-blocker, and Xenical, a fat whacker that separates the fat from the food you eat and whisks it out the back door before it can be digested. Made from a byproduct of shells from shrimp and possibly other crustations, (I hope this does not include the eyes, legs, and claws - ugh!) I can almost imagine this militant substance blocking the doors to our cells and wacking that nasty fat through our digestive system to be expelled as "oily discharge." Oh yuck!!

We are "excited" by Viagra which helps ED and calmed by Ritalin that treats ADHD. We grow new hair by ingesting Propecia, and grow younger, stronger, etc., etc., by taking HGH, human growth hormones. Surgeons attached a hand to an adult amputee of ten years and "yahoo" - it worked!

This year Harley, Star Wars, and Golf Monopoly games were out distanced by Pokemon. "Out" this season were the much sought after Furbies of 1998.

We listened to the newest Hip Hop and New Age music on our DVDs. We danced to familiar dances of our era: polkas, two step, waltz, b-bop, twist, the line, slow, jitterbug, Macarina, limbo, and even "dirty." Of course, "dirty" dancing has always been in style.

We reinstated old drinks like the martini and then built glitzy shakers, pitchers, and glasses to serve them. Some spritz the inside of the glass with vermouth for the driest drink ever.

There was new interest in cigars that captured women's fancy in smoking them which, in turn, created a market for humidores.

We drank more tea - natural, unnatural, spice, herbal - many, many flavors of coffee and espressocut with flavored creamers. We 'invented" Frothe, upgraded the electrolytes in sports drinks for atheletes and Pedialyte for infants. We ingest genetically engineered foods that contain pesticides, fertilizers, and the "Terminator" gene that kills the reproductive system in the seeds as they begin to set. "Far out, huh?" We eat stuffed crust pizza, bacon cheeseburger pizza, toaster scrambles, pre-cooked beef pot roast, and coffee-flavored ice cream - "Cool!"

We make fashion statements by piercing our bodies and tattooing. T-shirts, more t-shirts, and sweatshirts proclaim where we've been, our allegiance, our opinion, our sense of humor, our philosophy, our rage. T-shirts are our way of communicating when we no longer visit anyone but in the "chat room" on the "web site," dot com.

We are fascinated with our own hair. We shave our heads, roach, dye, curl, straighten, iron, strip, clip, pin, layer, braid, streak, highlight, gel, oil treat, blow dry, hot roll, perm, or "let our hair down" naturally. An amazing choice here.

Aside from spandex and shorts and sports bras, and t-shirts perhaps, "the thong" bests describes the last days of the 20th Century - "Duh!"

The fun list are "hot" sayings we all use or hear everyday: That dot com, this dot com; "been there, done that," "politcally correct," "I'm outta here," "toodles," "rad" (radical), "24-7," "gnarly," "I don't want to go there," "diva," "nasty," "Y2K," "later," "sweet," and, of course, "Sue me!"

The "How Soon They Forget List" is almost as accurate as carbon dating. When you hear music or sayings of yesterdays, you are transported by memory to times past where you can easily identify the decade and fit right in your old place. Remember the "Super Information Highway," "networking," "neat-o," "not too worry," "awesome," (I'm personally glad to have this wonderful adjective move to the defunct list so it can be used again without sounding "hip"), "enough already," "goof off," "hey dude," "cool man," "flower child," "ciao," "Have a nice day," "the cutting edge," "dork," "clone," "hippy," "Have a good one," "23 Skidoo," "tree-hugger," and "cowboy"?

The year 1999 is "not over 'til it's over." Because I'm not a "Party Animal," I'm contemplating on how I shall celebrate this year's end. Should I run naked to Daniel or should I don my steel corset with pointed, spiraling cups and simply sing? We shall see.