The Sublette County Journal
Volume 4, Number 31 - 3/30/00
brought to you online by Pinedale Online
Pinedale Declared "Human Habitat Zone"
Bob Reese of the U.S. Forest Service announced that the town of Pinedale and portions of the surrounding area have been declared a Human Habitat Zone, and a refuge for the recovery of the endangered Manly Man subspecies. Big Piney was carefully considered, but the environment was considered too harsh for a successful re-introduction.
Giving the history of this development, Mr. Reese noted "In the late 80s a report from a study group, headed by Lanny Guenier, later a failed candidate for the office of Civil Rights Director in the Clinton administration, concluded that men were not cost effective members of society. This study recommended that men be banished from society and a remnant population maintained on a stud farm in Montana. As a result of this study a campaign of eradication was implemented. Now, in the interest of biodiversity, we are trying to bring this subspecies back."
"Our plan", Mr. Reese continued, "is to capture at least ten breeding pairs from different parts of the country. Initially they will be confined in capture pens, but those who prove hardy enough should be released within a year." Mr. Reese described the pens as "Simple structures with a Starbuck's in one corner and NPR piped in 24 hours a day. Initially we want to replicate their current habitat and diet. They will be fed sushi and arugula salad. Merlot and Brie will be available on a free choice basis. Gradually their diet and habitat will be modified until they drink Bud Light, eat slabs of beef, and listen to KPIN."
Although the captured specimens will have been acclimated, they will not be ready for release, basic survival skills have been lost to years of retrograde evolution. "Much as we have to teach pen raised eagles to hunt, we need to re-educate these Manly Men in the ways of the Manly Man" Mr. Reese explained, "we will expose them to the 'Red Green Show' for 12 hours a day for the last month. Those who survive will then be ready for release."
Community response has been decidedly mixed. Fertility advocate Rob Shaul is enthusiastic about the plan. "It's great" he declared, "we need more kids in this town, and these guys will get the job done. And in just 10 generations, they'll be locals. It just ticks me off to be out bred by Big Piney. This is the beginning of the solution."
Mary Baylor of the Greater Yellowstone Conspiracy and Muffy O'Neal of the Sierra Club are united in their opposition to the plan. "Eeeewww" exclaimed Ms. Baylor, "Manly Men, don't they have hairy backs and stuff? They don't even wear Birkenstocks. We didn't mind when the Smallpox virus went extinct, Manly Men should follow that example." Ms. O'Neal agreed "I have my house and everything I need. I don't see why we can't close the gates and not let anyone else in. Well, maybe maids, but they don't have to actually live here, do they? Anyway, we certainly don't need Manly Men. They aren't native to the area, and exotic species should not be introduced."
When asked about these objections, Mr. Reese noted that fossils indicate that Manly Men once populated the area and that an Environmental Impact Study has been performed. A finding of no significant impact (FONSI) has been filed. Release of Manly Men in the area will result in slight increases in predation on Mule Deer and Elk, and minor increases in fish mortality, but not to a significant level. He also noted that this program is consistent with the mandates of the Endangered Species Act. Mr. Reese emphasized that regulations governing refuges and habitat zones allow for the relocation of species threatening to the recovering species. In the case of the Manly Man subspecies, this would include the Thinking Woman subspecies and house cats.
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